An Uncomfortable Situation
Funny pic (and movie) about a not so funny situation… In training as in Life, it’s better to treat people with dignity and respect. However… What does that look like in the moment? Being that I’m teaching a Women’s Assault Prevention and Response Workshop this weekend - it’s probably a good time to talk about… |
Uncomfortable Situations |
Let’s talk about training at the academy for a minute… We run open co-ed classes at the local academy. What does that mean? Men and women train together, but we don’t stop there. People of different skill levels, backgrounds, ethnicities, sexual orientations, careers, religious beliefs, political affiliations, ages, injuries, pre-existing conditions, life experience, training expectations etc. etc. train together! We ALL work together! Overall, I think it’s better this way. Of course sometimes there’s static, you know, conflicts, and misunderstanding. When something happens, most of the time it’s just that, a misunderstanding… Sometimes people simply don’t gel, you know, maybe they lack social grace or they don’t get along well. This can cause problems. You can have a strong personality colliding with class protocol or two equally strong personalities bump heads, or the opposite, the strong rolls over the more passive person. Not everyone has the same comfort level, or social grace. There are countless variations and potential for things to come off the tracks. The point here is that people don’t always get along… |
Sounds Like Life! |
This isn’t isolated to just the academy. It’s a reflection of our Larger Life… Life at home, Life at work. Life outside the walls of the “dojo.” I’m talking Real Life here! |
Battle of the Sexes?! |
One of the struggles we sometimes face at the academy is between men and women. There’s touching involved in learning how to protect yourself physically. We grab, we squeeze, we embrace, we roll around and grapple. I like to call it adult rough housing… After a while most people get used to… Some maybe too much so. When I’m preparing men and women in our intro class, I’m pretty straight forward with folks when it starts getting a little spicy. Things can heat up a bit when we start getting closer and more intense. Getting up in each others grill, especially during grappling can be intimidating and overwhelming. Most folks aren’t used to being in each others space like that. Brushing up against intimate things, bumping uglies so to speak, we’re literally all over each other (Standing and on the ground) in class. This is why, we HAVE TO BE RESPECTFUL with our intent and our physical contact. Sometimes people aren’t aware of this. Some students may get too comfortable touching others and their hands (or other body parts) linger too long in intimate areas. Maybe grabbing or touching in ways that they may or may not realize is starting to cross the line. This begins to erode trust, enjoyment and learning in class. It can start to make their classmate feel uncomfortable, anxious, afraid, or angry. |
What Are You Gonna Do?! |
This is a very delicate and uncomfortable situation for people to be in (for me as well). Not just for kids and adolescents, but full grown adults as well. I get it from time to time at the academy. People who need to be talked to about their behavior in class. To be honest, in all of my 40+ years teaching, I can’t think of anyone who I’ve had to kick out of the academy for predatorial behavior… (I don’ think so anyway). Ahhhhh… That’s not entirely true now that I think about it… It wasn’t kicking a person out, it was leaving an organization or two! =( Those are a other stories for another time. Situations like these are typically someone being clueless and socially (and sometimes unintentionally physically) inappropriate, but noting malicious. But not always! Now, let me be straight… I will kick someone out of the academy if needed, to protect the people who are under my watch! The academy has to be a safe, respectful environment for everyone. Period. No exceptions. Most of us are diving into some pretty deep sh8 here, even if we train light heartedly. I hold this Protector ethic to the best of my ability no matter where I go, be it at home, work, school, at my academy or any other place, including out in public too… Remember what Humphrey said… “Where ever I walk everyone is a little safer because I am there.” |
Boundaries, Patterns and Plausible Deniability |
I tell this to my students, heck, I tell this to everyone… Draw clear boundaries with people. If someone is touching you (or saying something) in a way you don’t like or think is appropriate, speak up and tell them! Do it tactfully, but clearly. Most likely they aren’t aware of it and you are doing them and your fellow students / employees / family members / friends, (whoever) a favor too. I usually give people the benefit of the doubt at first. Like we talked about earlier, touching is in the nature of self defense class… so lines can get crossed pretty easily… Unfortunately, there is also a lot of plausible deniability for creepers to hide behind. NO MATTER… If it doesn’t feel right, and/or the situation persists, I will say something to the person directly. If things are to the point where I feel unsafe, I will immediately say / do something and draw clear hard boundaries. This may include getting up and leaving and/or getting help from fellow student, co-worker, instructor, manager, security, parent, police, etc. If the situation is minor and/or isn’t clear enough for you to be sure… (Let’s face it, in situations like these, there’s potential for equal amounts of people being clueless about social graces and (unfortunately, as stated earlier,) plausible deniability from creepers…) Either way, keep cool and consider saying something to draw a boundary in an almost jovial or kidding way at first to draw attention to their behavior, yet allow them to save face (that’s what I typically do). If they don’t get the ‘hint,’ and things persist, I will be more firm and straight forward in saying something. I may even decide to pull the person aside and just be straight with them about what they’re doing and how it makes me feel, or what I see them do to another person and how they need to dial things in and/or apologize. I will ask them to not do that any more. I may also avoid working with them all together or tell them to avoid working with someone. If you’ve drawn boundaries and discussed the situation with the person w/minimal or no result, I would then go to someone of greater authority (instructor, manager, parent etc) or use some social leverage (maybe approaching someone I believe to be their friend and ask them to have a talk with them). If things aren’t resolved in a manner acceptable to me, and/or if I can’t avoid that person or if I feel I am in any type of danger, I will look for another place to train, work, be, etc. But I’m willing to go there too if needed. (and quickly too!) |
Make Sure to… |
Pay attention to yourself and your partners, don’t be creepy. Consider checking in with the people you’re training / working with to ask them if they’re ok with how you’re working together. If you see someone seemingly inappropriately touching our talking to someone, say something. Say something to both people. Be tactful though. It’s easy to read these situations wrong, it’s easier to be to not communicate approaperately. It’s easiest to just ignore it and not do anything but pretend it didn’t happen. Lastly, on the flip side, make sure you remain approachable if someone gives you feedback that you didn’t want or expect. The problem may be brought to you regarding someone else (especially if you are in a leadership role…) or the person whose acting inappropriately might be YOU!! =O If that’s the case stay calm, don’t react, give the situation some thought and recalibrate as necessary. Don’t let someone gaslight you, but in the same token take what they are saying seriously and give it some real consideration, maybe ask others you trust to give you feedback on your behavior as well. |
Alright… |
Whew! (wiping my brow from the nervous sweat). I’m glad we had that discussion. Remember… Train respectfully, communicate your boundaries, have each other’s back, so you can keep growing and Keep it playful, If you want to develop your ability to protect yourself and those you love, in a balanced, healthy way then here’s your invitation to join me on my free home study course: https://www.peacewalker.org/ |
Keep Going, ~Craig |
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